Do You Know Who You Are?

An unlikely conversation took place a few weeks ago. Someone I know pulled me aside to air out all their grievances against me. And it made me write this.

As I listen to everything they had to say, the weirdest thing happened - I realised that it didn’t hurt me. Even when they called me arrogant and dismissive. If that conversation happened a few years ago, it would have sent me to a depressive spiral, but not this time. This time, I didn’t take their word as the truth. I knew who I was.

Photo by Jovis Aloor on Unsplash

Who Am I?

Someone that is not afraid to look into someone’s eyes while I disagree with them. Someone that can voice their opinions regardless of what others might think. I understand, it can sound arrogant. But I’m a black woman in a world where I’m doomed either way - if I don’t advocate for myself, who will? Ironically, later they complimented me on this.

Yet, no human being is without contradiction. This trait that exudes confident, eludes me on that last bit. I’m not confident, at least not yet. Even to start this account, it took me months, if not years. You can say it’s a side effect of being an emotional hoarder. All the harsh words I heard over the years were collected and I’m learning to let them go, to detach them from who I am.

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Empathy still exists

When they finished, I was happy to see them releasing all those feeling that had being stuck on their throat for three years. And there I was, filled with nothing but love for them and admiration. How many people are on my list of grievances and I lack the courage to approach them? In the last few years I have suffered so much heartache and disappointment from people I love. Surrounded by gaslighting and forced moving ons, a frank talk with someone seemed impossible.

Besides, if you spend a day in British society it will become obvious that people prefer to hold on to their issues with others. Instead of speaking with them about it. The rule is to hope they will disperse. Or come out in the wrong place, at the wrong time and possibly with the wrong people. So I’m afraid this conversation hasn’t cured me of avoiding conflict. But I’m less scared now.

Taste and See

Despite all that was said, we both felt we could experience the liberating feeling of reconciliation. The Bible talks about it all the time. But like everything else in the Bible, it only makes true sense when you experience it. You can say this happened because we are both Christians. But if you are one, you know that unfortunately, it doesn’t always go down like this.

From that moment on, we recognised that we were more alike than we thought. We both struggle with pain. We both fight for what we put our faith in. And we both are trying to find our place in the vast and complicated world.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Later that night when I prayed, I was so thankful for how much I grew. I used to tell myself I was a hostage of my emotions. That they controlled me and there was nothing I could do. Without realising, I befriended them, something I should have done from the start. I’m not a puppet in their hands, I’m actually the most important thing to them. Accepting that people might see me as arrogant, doesn’t mean it is who I am. That can only be defined by me.

Final Words

I hope my story allowed you to get to know me a bit. For the next 30 days, I will be introducing myself through a variety of topics. I would love to know your thoughts about it.

Thanks for being here

and see you soon,

SK 🤍